Okay, let’s start off with what I know to be the only spoof addition to this list of gross-out foods.
Ooh, Fish Assholes sound just so good, don’t they? This can of ‘Manhattan’ style Fish Assholes comes from a store selling all kinds of weird and wonderful novelties. Actually, inside the can is nothing more than pasta hoops, rather than the buttholes of fish. I mean, who the fuck would eat buttholes…
…well obviously, the Chinese. Yep, Chinese cuisine is famous for including all manner of exotic delicacies and this includes eating buttholes, or at least the tube that goes up from a pig’s butthole. Yep, take a good look at the picture because you’re reading it right. Inverted pork rectums. Mmmm. Now that sounds chewy! I mean, for fuck’s sake! Isn’t there already enough of a pig to eat without having to resort to its brown chute?
How the hell do you cook an inverted pork rectum? Who orders this shit (no pun intended)? Why? Just for the love of all things fucking normal…why?
Ask the same question of the Koreans who, not to be outdone, love some questionable fucking foods of their own. A street food delicacy in Korea is the stomach shrinking chow of silkworm pupae.
I’m not fucking kidding. Fried and spiced and chucked in a polystyrene cup, you can jab at these little brown bits of shit with a cocktail fork and munch away to your heart’s content. Or you can toddle off to the local grocer and buy yourself a can of tasty silkworm pupae to have with your stewed dog entrée. Or you can fuck off.
Okay, moving on from eating a pig’s asspipe and silkworms, let’s explore some of the food related oddities of Finland.
First, who you calling Kunto? A packet of crispbread, that’s who! When in Helsinki and you’re hoping for a nice crispbread to have with your rice pudding wrapped in a rye crust, topped with boiled eggs and butter (yep, the Finns love that), then ask for Kunto!
“Excuse me, I’m looking for Kunto? Do you have some?”
In Finland, you’d be pointed to the aisle of breadsnacks. In Dagenham, you’d be given half an hour in grotty bedsit with a crackhead prostitute.
Right. Quick question? What’s the most unlikely animal you could eat?
Hippo? Rhino? Both good answers. How about eating a fucking bear? Incredible as it sounds, the Finns (Estonians & Japanese too) tuck into canned bear – it’s a delicacy. Yeah, too fucking right it is! Does anyone have the pre-meditated thought of, “You know what, I could really go for a Bear Stew tonight. Must remember to pick up a can of bear.”
A can of bear meat is expensive – a small can is around 25€ (That’s around £22) and apparently goes well in a stew or as a pate, spread thickly on some Kunto.
Not for me. I’m not sure I could bear the taste (heh heh, geddit?)
We come to one of my favourite names on this list.
Yep, a popular brand of bread rolls in Finland goes by the name of Jussipussi.
Imagine that. “I say, shopkeeper! Do you have any Jussipussi in stock?”
Obviously, whoever chose that name had no reason to consider how it sounds in English, or the twisted minds of English speakers who instantly see the comedy in it. In fact, the name Jussipussi refers to the manufacturer rather than the product itself. Still as funny.
You know what? When I can’t get my hands on Jussipussi, you know what I need? Yeah, that’s right, baby. I need to get some MegaPussi. Oh fuck, yeah.
These potato chips are also a popular snack in Finland. Pussi means ‘bag’ in Finnish and Mega means ‘mega’ wherever the fuck you are. Mega Bag. Not funny. MegaPussi. Funny. Don’t get the prawn cocktail flavour. No one wants prawn tasting MegaPussi.
From getting your mouth around some Jussipussi, or working your way through some MegaPussi, we move on to Shito. This jar of wonder is Ghana’s famous dark chilli sauce. Made of a blend of chilli, tomatoes, salt, onions, fish and shrimps, it can be used in stews, curries and as a spread.
It’s also available in the World Foods aisle at your local Tesco’s, meaning you too can have Shito smeared over pretty much anything you like. You could even smear Shito over yourself if you felt so inclined. But that takes a special kind of someone.
Staying in the wonderful country of Ghana, let’s take the piss out of Pee Cola! Superb name and probably the sweetest cola you will ever have the misfortune of rotting your teeth with.
‘Pee’ means very good in Twi, a dialect of Akan, one of Ghana’s main languages. When you consider that English is the main language spoken in Ghana, it does raise a question as to whether anyone really thought it through when naming Pee Cola.
Globe hopping from one ridiculous food stuff to another, we arrive at one of Amsterdam’s famous and favourite places to eat – Manneken Pis. Basically, it is chips, or rather the name of the chip shop. They’re delicious, too. If you’ve partaken in the evil herb whilst in the Dutch capital, chances are you’ve been struck with a manifesting case of the munchies.
What better that filling your belly full of hot chips, covered in mayonnaise, served in a giant cone with the picture of a little boy taking a piss? That’s living, alright.
Sweet Mother of God! What the unholy fucking fuck is that?
That’s the reaction you’re likely to exhibit at the opening of a can of vile, putrid filth known as Surströmming.
In Sweden, Surströmming is a well-loved dish of canned, rotten herring. Yes sir, the Swedes chop off the heads of the herring, gut the thing, salt it and let it rot for months before packing it in a can and selling it to epicurean masochists.
The stench from an open can of Surströmming is such that it can only be opened outdoors and is powerful enough to induce instant vomiting. It really is that bad. One only has to check out the plethora of YouTube videos of people taking on the Surströmming ‘challenge’ to get an illustrative example of why eating rotting fish is a fucked up thing to do.
Dear Life, Thank you for your wondrous benevolence. You’ve been good to me and I hope to have been respectful and always mindful of that miracle. Thank you for the rich tapestry of experiences you have thrown my way. I am grateful. I will try not to let you down. But with that in mind, I must categorically and unequivocally confirm that I will never give Surströmming a try. I hope you’re not too disappointed.
Excuse me, but I need a Plopp. No, I’m not turtle-heading or touching cloth. I’m talking about the cheeky little chocolate bar from Sweden.
Delicious, sweet milk chocolate with a gooey caramel centre, that’s Plopp! Over here, it’s a euphemism for poo-poo.
In Jamaica, they love the Cock Soup. They love it when it’s dripping down their chins or slurping it up greedily. Only the other day I was watching something on the internet where a gorgeous Jamaican beauty had a load of Cock Soup splashed over her face, such was her eagerness to get it into her mouth.
Now, before a van load of Yardies start sharpening machetes and fixing to stripe me and dip me in acid, I am of course, referring to the spicy noodle soup mix. It’s readily available at most major supermarkets, so treat yourself to a fine and hearty injection of Cock Soup. Delicious.
Talking of things I’ve seen on the internet, I was watching a clip only last night where a couple of epicurious women were eager to try some Creamy White Finishing Sauce.
Oh, how they liked it smothered over their meat. This silky sauce is a fine accompaniment to a good pork fillet, broccoli and carrots. In fact, any meat and two veg would benefit from a drop of Creamy White Finishing Sauce.
Mainly available in Australia, MasterFoods’ Creamy White Finishing Sauce is a basic white sauce with a little bit of cheese added. Given that Australia speaks English (or at least a version of it) it would seem curious that no one thought better of the name. I mean, seriously…
…you might as well name something…I don’t know…maybe ‘Crack Sandwich’ it’s that fucking…oh wait, there is something called Crack Sandwich! You have got to be shitting me.
Not in the wildest twists of my addled imagination would I have ever conceived of calling my biscuit filled with sesame seed butter (really?) product the incomprehensibly bizarre, ‘Crack Sandwich’. Where in the world can you indulge in some fine Crack Sandwich? That’d be China.
Were they on crack when they translated from Chinese to Engrish? Who the fuck knows. Would I have to sell my T.V and eventually, my ass to buy Crack Sandwich? Possibly. They are said to be quite moreish.
I’m all for trying new flavours and new things but one I’m going to insist upon missing out, is some Homo Sausage. What the very fuck is Homo Sausage? Well, in Japan, this monstrosity of processed, mechanically recovered ‘meat’ is moulded into an allantoid (the fancy geometrical name for the shape of a sausage) and then packed in plastic. Mmmm.
With the Japanese, you can never tell if, like the Chinese, something gets lost in translation. Were they being intentionally provocative and/or puerile? Or does ‘homo’ mean something different in Japanese? Basically, they knew exactly what the fuck they were calling their hilarious sausage and to that, I salute them.
The same can’t be said for the Macedonian brewers of Vergina lager. If I was Macedonian, I too might fancy popping down the local bar for some Vergina, but ordering that at a bar in the English-speaking world might raise an eyebrow or two and possibly elicit a smack around the chops.
“Barman. Do you serve Vergina in this establishment?”
“Upstairs, room six, Guv. She charges by the half hour.”
It’s back to Australia for a naughty little treat by the name of Golden Gaytime. Now, while I might have an aversion to Homo Sausage, that doesn’t automatically mean I’m not up for a bit of Golden Gaytime. I am referring to the ice cream that is a popular treat Down Under.
Back in 1959, Streets Foods innocently named their toffee and vanilla dipped-in-biscuit-crumbs ice cream treat to reflect the happy, satisfying experience eating one of their products would be. Fifty or so years later, Golden Gaytime suggests something a little different to ice cream but nevertheless, something also happy and satisfying for some.
Fancy some good ol’ Southern cookin’? We got catfish, gumbo, fried chicken, peppered mash, succotash, pork brains in milk gravy…
What the fuck?
Pork Brains in Milk Gravy.
If the mere thought of eating a pig’s brain in a milk gravy isn’t enough to make you want to spew, then getting a load of the nutritional content might.
Pork Brains in Milk Gravy contains a heart-stopping 3500mg of cholesterol, which is over 1000% of the daily recommended limit. Inside the can is a watery pink liquid and a weird pink sludge, like lumpy Angel Delight, that connoisseurs tell me tastes like a mild, yet salty Spam. Fuck no.
Yet, cholesterol aside, it’s not that bad for you, relatively speaking. Just check out the nutritional data alongside a Big Mac.
In grams, the Big Mac (219g) is roughly 25% bigger than the Pork Brains in Milk Gravy (156g). Even so, a Big Mac is still nutritionally inferior to pork brains. That said, I’ll fucking devour a Big Mac over one taste of Pork Brains in Milk Gravy.
Lastly, another all-American treat. Something so fucking unspeakably unappetising I can only assume that it is the sad, miserable fayre of desperate, destitute folk. For them, I genuinely pray that life takes an upswing.
For those who aren’t desperate or destitute; those who choose to eat the soon-to-be-mentioned filth – these are cretinous, unthinking, fart swallowers who have no moral conscience; no sense of food objectivity, culinary nous, respect or esteem; who are so full of self-loathing that the barometer for their low standards and shitty life is to eat…
…Sweet Sue’s Whole Chicken in a Can.
Oh, please. This is what’s become of us. One day, a little chicken was born from a hen’s egg. Its fate? To be battery farmed in a cage no bigger than a shoebox, genetically fucked around with into a bigger chicken just so it could be covered in an anti-rot spooge and shoved the fuck into a can and have some complete cunt eat it, because they are too damn dumb to stick a raw, fresh chicken in the oven for a little over an hour.
Just look at it.
Chicken. Canned by Lucifer. Eaten by the soulless.
🐵 Terence 🐵